The Mean Reds #23

People who read this blog can obviously tell I have mood swings. Yesterday I was so happy and today I've had enough again. I don't want to spend my nights in this god forsaken little town full of people who are born, live & die here with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Everyone in this town was born here and wants to work here and will die here and I can no longer put up with spending my nights sitting in cars or on park benches or empty pubs with people who I can't even make conversation with because they have no idea what I'm talking about, I am so unhappy. Every now & then something makes me smile but it's always temporary and in the long term I'm depressed. It has reached the point where I have opted not to go out and socialise because I would much rather spend my time in bed than hanging out with people who I don't even get along with. It irritates me so much how exactly a year ago I was having the time of my life and I was so happy and now I'm here! It sounds shallow slagging off my friends because they aren't like me but it isn't like that, forcing yourself to socialise with people who you don't really get along with is horrible because you're being fake and pretending you like them just to use them as people to go out with. So I've decided I just want to stay in until I know what to do next because I can't do it anymore! What is the point, in having a wardrobe full of high fashion clothes when you can never wear them because all you ever do with your nights is sit in parks or in cars? Or if you ever go out in the day people laugh at you and take the piss because they don't understand. I wore red lipstick last night, we were in the chavviest pub in the town and some guy walked past me who I don't even know and was like ''I like the crazy lipstick!'' and I thought to myself I know he's paying me a compliment but how the fuck is it crazy, wearing red lipstick is a completely normal thing to do but if one person wears something slightly different to the rest in this town it causes all this commotion. They can say what they want and even if he was to say something negative about it then whatever, but what annoys me so much is the fact that all of them, well about 95%, have no idea, about anything. No culture, no style, no interests, no aspirations... and I'm forcing myself to be friends with these people because I have nothing else to do? Why the fuck am I doing it. Tomorrow, I have work, so tonight, I'm staying in and I'm going to bed early. I suspect that throughout the week aswell I'll be staying in feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday, I spoke to an old friend on msn who I had alot in common with who made me aware of something and asked me something. I'm seriously considering it. I'm not saying who it is or what they said but it seems like a good option and if my life does not dramatically improve then I'm going to do it (it's not suicide). I expect people will be reading this and thinking I'm a lazy twat and this is all my own fault and if I was intelligent enough I would get out of bed and change my life for myself instead of waiting for something to happen but it isn't about that, it's about not feeling anything. I feel nothing. (and reading this back to myself makes me say to myself in my head GOD I AM SO FUCKING DRAMATIC!!!!!!)