Daddy

I miss my dad, so so much. I was crying the other night on my little sister because I missed him so much and she is the closest thing I have to him so I was telling her that cuddling her was just like cuddling him. I said to her ''don't tell mummy''. I wish he never went away but that's a different story and I don't think things will ever be the same again. I was really close to him even though I was a little brat... and I still hate hearing my family say bad things about him now, so I stick up for him. He never stuck up for himself, he never said no, he could never let people know when they annoyed him, pretty much my problem. I was watching videos of us all on a friend/family holiday together in 1997, we all looked so happy. Apart from he was filming the whole thing so was in none of the videos apart from when he handed it to me and being the scatty 6 year old I was couldn't hold it properly so just got one shot of him posing and trying to get me to film him. You can tell who I take after. I don't think my dad wants to see me. I don't think he does atall. I don't know what to do. I think he thinks I'm using him for music/attention/gigs/records/whatever and he doesn't really have any idea how much I miss him or how I feel... I've never really spoken to him about it since he went away and just carried each day on as if it was normal but gradually we've grown apart I guess and I can't talk to him these days as if he's my parent, I just talk to him as if he's another one of my 50 year old man friends. I wonder if I would've turned out this way if he was still here. Alot of people say I've 'gone off the rails' just because of the fact that he left, I don't know if that's true or not, I was this way since I was born, but maybe it's made it a bit worse. He doesn't do anything for himself, he gets bossed around, and I know he does, he can't say no... and I know he's unhappy. I really wish I could tell him all this and have a huge talk about it all. I tried writing him a letter but I cried after writing the first paragraph and couldn't finish it because it was so blunt and upsetting. I don't like what he did, but I love him because he's my dad and nobody else in the world will change that or will be able to replace him. If I tell him I miss him, he says 'miss you too' and that's it, nothing's done with it. But then again, he's a man, and men are uncapable of showing affection or telling people the way they feel and I know I should never expect anything more. I just hope that one day, things will be the same as they were before.